Dearly Beloved

Dearly, beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a blog so young. This blog was only a few weeks old before the inpatient owner decided to seek her sites elsewhere.

Condolences and sympathy views can be forwarded to her new site:
jourdynsreflection.wordpress.com

The blogger would like to thank those who have read her work and have followed her on her very short and very misguided journey thus far. Please continue to do so at: jourdynsreflection.wordpress.com

Thank you.

Now go gently into that good night.

jourdynsreflection.wordpress.com

Hopeful Romantic

Currently writing this as I wait for my car to have its oil changed and tires rotated. The wifi here is not the best, but I shall make do. Really glad I had the foresight to bring my laptop and journal so I can crank out today's entry because this is going to take at least an hour if not longer. (Way to go Tires Plus, great job on efficiency). I joke though, the guy who checked me in was really nice and was able to check to make sure they had the oil in stock that went with the coupon I had, so way to go, Andrew,* you get the gold star in customer service.

Today has been a really great day so far after my car is done I have QPower to go to and then need to get some groceries and incidentals. I also hope to get some pages of the short story that I'm working on cranked out.

Looks like today's journal entry is a long one, at least three pages long. Let's get to it.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

I finally cut my nails, and I'm not going to lie, it looks weird to me. I really wish that I didn't have to work today. I realized that I told Mrs. C that I'd stop in on Thursday but I can't because I have Orientation, I need to look at my papers to see where I'm supposed to go. 

The Minnesota trip was downright amazing and it really made me think about moving to St. Paul. Man, I'm so proud to have been born there, I just wish I could have spent some time growing up there too. 

I hope Lindsey's* present fits her, I got her a 'Flight of the Concords' T-shirt thanks to Bethany's* help for finding it. 

I'm going to watch 'Phantom' and paint my toes bright sparkly blue!

So I was mistaken in thinking that Orientation was this week, it's next week so I can visit Mrs. C on Thursday. Yay. Wow, I really love 'Phantom of the Opera' and I love coffee and that it's picking me up so I don't feel so dead. I think that I might just survive work tonight. I really hope May* is working GSTL tonight because she is super laid back and awesome. 

I'm recognizing the signs of a lonely heart and hopeless love and I want to put them to an end before anything happens! I'm starting to think that I'm a hopeless romantic. I mean I read romance novels in hopes that someday I may be one of the heroines and deep in my heart of hearts, I really enjoy romantic comedies. -sigh- I know though that I'm in no shape (pun accidentally intended) for any romantic relationship. I hope that something does find me though, I hope that someone fabulous comes into my life this summer, I really hope. 

Lisa* just called, we're going to hang out on Tuesday after her orientation. She told me that she's dating Trevor* now. I'm glad that everything worked out for her and Trevor and that the whole Kris* thing is over. I'm also happy that she called, I'm glad that people are calling me at home and taking the summer sans cell seriously. Ugh, now I need to get ready for work, I hope it goes by fast!

Work was so friggin' SLOW! I'm so glad that it's over! I'm watching "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" even though the Tonys are on, I don't feel like watching it with it being more than half done. 

Oh my god, if I EVER turn out to be one of the girls in this movie I think I might shoot myself! Evan* was working today, he's cute. If he wanted to hang out after work I'd be game. 

Oh my God, I really love this movie. Kate Hudson is amazing! She's SO FUNNY! Oh my Jesus, I'd LOVE to try this sometime. Hahaha oh and let me add that Matthew McConaughey is a BABE! Oh man, I'm so jealous of everyone in a really amazing relationship right now. Oh Goddess of love, please work your magic so that I can experience a truly amazing relationship.

"Tone deaf and drunk is never a good combination" - How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

*Names have been changed


Lots to reflect on in this post. So in case it hasn't been mentioned, in 2009 I auditioned for and got accepted into the BFA Acting program at US-Stevens Point. I believe the orientation I was referring to was the general Freshman orientation at UW, and not the Theater Program one, that one usually happened in August and then there was a 'Dis-orientation' to follow.

Ironically "Lisa" and "Trevor" only dated for a few months. Lisa ended up dating some women after that, and many years down the road Trevor would marry one of my sorority sisters and have a kid. Life is funny how it works, isn't it?

Not sure if I would consider myself a hopeless romantic even today, but after Googling the definition maybe I am. I believe that everyone is inherently good and that tomorrow is a new day and things will always work out.  It won't do you ANY good to dwell on the negative and surround yourself with pessimistic assholes,...if you're doing this please do yourself a favor and stop. Surround yourself with people who find the good in everything, people who radiate positive healing energy. Find those people, and make them your people. Your soul will thank you.

As I reflect on life and love I think that perhaps the term hopeless romantic is flawed. I'm not hopeless, I'm hopeful, thus I must be a Hopeful Romantic. I have hope in love and in the good that lies in everyone. I have hope that I will find love again and hope to find the ability to love myself unconditionally. I doubt I would have made it this far in my life if I had a hopeless attitude about everything. Even when I went through messy breakups, leaving my job unexpectedly, and started this journey of self-discovery, I always remained hopeful about the lessons that I have learned and for the next chapter in my life.

When it comes to love and romance though, I am on a hiatus. I'm not currently seeking anyone or anything out and my dating profiles are quietly collecting dust somewhere in the dark vastness of the internet. And that is just perfectly fine by me. I usually like to have my life more or less in order before I decide to add a romantic relationship into the equation. I never took calculus and men are complicated enough as is.

...Am I becoming like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City? Is that what this blog will become? I did really love the series, so maybe that won't be the worst thing in the world. Who would be my Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha? Should I start an open casting call? Ha, what a thought to have.

Well, I think that I've rambled enough on this entry, if you've been reading my blogs so far, thank you. Not sure how I'm liking this format on Blogger, may want to explore other options but so far this interface seems to be the easiest to use. If you readers have any feedback please let me know. It'd be nice to know what you think.

Until next time, feel the sunshine on your face and smile.

- JG

Quotable

Four more hours and then I shall be free and will have the next two days off. I can't freaking wait. I've been pretty tired the last few days, but I plan on going to the gym after work today, and it's Combat class so I'm looking forward to hitting something...hard.

So today's entry is a bit weird, as I was reading through it in my journal it's really just a bunch of random quotes and some observations on the senior class trip that I was on to Minnesota. (Still taken from the same journal as the last few blog posts)

Let us continue...


Saturday, June 6, 2009

"I want to die like my grandfather in my sleep. Not like his passengers screaming." - Bethany*

"Oh, what a beautiful morning! Oh what a beautiful day! I have a beautiful feeling that everything is going my way!"

Note to self, watch Doctor Who!

Exhaustion taking over, must sleep, too happy to! Why am I writing like Captain Kirk? Ha, Ha. William Shatner, you're a silly bitch. 

"Don't just live. Shine" - Billboard

After a perhaps premature rest stop in Chippewa Falls, we are back on the road. Another hour perhaps before we get to Minnesota. I need to take a nap before we get there so I'm not completely zonked out for Phantom. 

Bethany and I have been having the most lovely conversations. I'm so glad she came because there are a lot of people who did come that I really don't care for...

This day has been legendary as Bethany so put it, and it's not even done!

To be perfectly honest though, I don't know how much more of these people I can take, and for whatever reason, I keep stressing out about tomorrow so it's making the rest of the day less enjoyable.

*Names have been changed 


You know how some people have verbal diarrhea where they just can't seem to shut the fuck up and say whatever is on their mind...well clearly I have the same condition but with writing! JFC. I don't even remember who was on the senior class trip, but maybe if I wasn't such a moody little shit I could have enjoyed it a bit more.

I did watch some Doctor Who but never became a Whovian (is that what the fanbase is called?) When I studied abroad in London I saw David Tennant who played the 10th Doctor in the play, 'Much Ado About Nothing'.



This morning I was talking to a co-worker about life and the fact that I'm a bit bitter and angry about where I am currently at in life, and he put some stuff into perspective for me. He said that this (working at the bookstore) is a good place to be when you're transitioning, especially if you want to be a writer. You have access to thousands of books at really good prices, plus you see the trends of what is coming in that people want to sell, and what's going out that people are buying; and as a prospective writer that kind of information is very valuable.

Yesterday on my lunch break my manager asked if I was a writer since I had my laptop out, I joked and said, "I guess I am." since y'know...I'm fucking writing! Literally. Beyond this blog and my personal journal, I am working on a side project. Right now it's more so an exercise to flex my writing muscle and to push myself to write a short story. That adjective of 'short' might change depending on how much I get into it.

What makes blogging and journaling so easy is that I just write what I'm thinking or feeling at that given moment in time. Actually sitting down and writing a fictional story with characters and make it interesting is a lot more difficult because if I'm not in the creative mood or if inspiration isn't striking like it use to, then I have little to no desire to sit down and write it. Thankfully I did write some great notes and ideas down in my idea journal, so hopefully, I can go back to that and find the creative inspiration to sit down and crank out a couple of pages over the next few days.

Well, that's all I have for this entry today.


Until next time, do something for someone else today.
-JG

The Purse

Today is one of the rare days where I don't work until 11am and so I have a good chunk of my morning to myself where I can write and do whatever the hell I want. It's a nice change of pace honestly.

Last night I was so exhausted that I went to bed before 9pm and slept until my alarm went off at 7am. Today might just have to be a rest day for me while I bounce back from being really tired and physically exhausted.

So the current journal that I have been writing from is right now the most consistent with entries and I think I'm going to stick with reflecting on this stretch for a little while longer. My other journals will pick up more so at the end of the month and early July.

Today's entry is a bit on the small side, and not a lot of substance.



Friday, June 5, 2009

Finally finished my purse! YAY! It's so awesome, I can't believe I made it! I had every intention of going for a bike ride to my dock but I believe a nap is in order. 


Yup, that's all you're getting today because that's all I wrote! This purse that I keep talking about really did take me forever to make, and I think I might still have it somewhere in storage. It is black and red with a nice little smocking pattern that I embroidered on the front, that is what took forever. I remember re-using some zippers and old fabric that I either got from Goodwill or the sewing supplies that I inherited when my grandma passed away. If I ever find the purse I'll be sure to upload some photos of it.

Well, that's all I have for today on this blog, I'll see y'all tomorrow!

Until then, go outside and enjoy the weather!
-JG

Missing Home

Well, I forgot to write a blog yesterday, but to be fair it was my only day off and damn it I had shit to do yo! Thankfully I remembered to write in my personal journal, so my June goals are still on track. I must confess that I spent a good chunk of my day off watching the 50 Shades of Grey series. Judge me all you want you judgemental bastard but I enjoyed those movies! The soundtracks were great and given the source material I thought they did a good job adapting what they could. It boggles my mind reading some of the reviews that people were SO upset by the movies...I mean did they not even read the books? It's pretty basic, easy reading, erotica. It's not like it's Jane Austen. After reading that the author E.L James wrote the series after reading Twilight and becoming obsessed, I gotta say I can TOTALLY see that. I started to re-read the books because I wanted an easy summer read that I could get into and that was all I had that fit in my personal library.

Anywho, enough about that drivel. Today's entry is following the same past entries from the same journal.


Thursday, June 4, 2009

How hard is it to find a new planner? Apparently very hard. I really don't want to go out to Walmart, maybe I'll find something in Minnesota. I mean we ARE going to the Mall of America! God if I can't find anything there I'll be so pissed!

So I'm pretty sure my purse will be done tomorrow! Well, it better be because I want to bring it with me on Saturday. Which reminds me, I need to pack my backpack tomorrow.

Just for the record, I can't believe I've kept my nails this long for so long! Super proud. I should really get back home so I can actually eat something and start watching the movies that I'm going to get. Also, I think I'm going to crochet Lindsey* a hat. I just hope her's turns out better than mine...

The beautiful thing about today besides the gorgeous weather is that I have NO engagements today! I don't have to be anywhere or do anything! I just get to take things at MY pace and whatever happens, happens. Like right now I'm at the dock with my shoes off, enjoying the sun and view, writing in my journal because I CAN! I LOVE TODAY! Oh yeah and I so just put my feet in the water... It's cold but nice.

My plan for the summer is to get out and enjoy it as much as possible. I feel like I was going to write something but then forgot...oh, yeah, so there has been a big increase in journal sales and they have been priced ridiculously, I refuse to spend more than a dollar on my composition journals. Plus, these are so much fun to decorate, why would anyone want some overpriced blank book?

Let us be as cliche as possible...this dock, this bench, I want them to be MY spot. Granted it's a public place yes, but I want to experience sunrises and sunsets here. I want to come here to relax and explore. I want this to be mine!

I'm watching Master and Commander and I'm so confused by what is going on! This movie is terrible! It's like Pirate but from the view of the English and the pirates are French! Fucking weird movie. Thankfully it's almost over. Once this is done I'm going for a walk/jog over to Zenoff, my new favorite place to go. I just ate so I feel like a fatty even though I ate just enough.

There is a lovely shade of red on my chest, I should really start using sunscreen because with the rate of me finding new moles and freckles one of them is bound to be cancerous!

So I went on my walk and I didn't even get to the corner of SPASH before my mom showed up and pulled over, we went to County Market and we picked up some stuff then she dropped me off at the corner of the hotel across from the Holiday trail so I walked the one mile and then collectively jogged halfway back all the while having thoughts and visions of Roger* plaguing my head. Jesus why? I'm starting to feel like Eve from 'Sweet as Sugar, Hot as Spice'. I wonder if Roger is going to be on the Minnesota trip...OH GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF GIRL! YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE THE GUY THAT MUCH! So why are you wasting your time thinking about him...because I want to prove him wrong, I want to lose this weight and become this gorgeous actress just to have him drool over me so I can say, "Ha ha, NO!" Jesus that's cruel, but it'd make for one hell of an adventure...Jesus. 

*Names have been changed


So the saga of tortured love for this poor soul Roger continues...gross. What's even worse is the fact that I actually wrote about wanting to lose weight and because beautiful just to prove him wrong...(Can't remember if there was a comment that was made or just an assumption on my part, either way, yikes.) Thankfully I'm hitting the gym and eating fewer carbs for my own personal benefit, not for a man or anyone else. Let me just tell you all right now, this is REALLY FUCKING HARD! Oh god, I did NOT want to go to Q today after work, I was tired and felt a little sick on the drive over. Thankfully I showed up, changed, and went to class. And yes, I'm glad I did it even though it was so fucking annoying and I am now exhausted. I almost forgot to finish this blog entry today but I refuse to go two days in a row and not write a blog.

Back on topic though, I do miss the dock in Point and have been wanting to get back up there pretty badly the last few weeks. My good friend from college is getting married at the end of the month in Point and I'm looking forward to her wedding and hopefully seeing the town a little bit.

I was so ready to leave that town and move to the city, now I'm finding myself missing the little college town and growing tired of this overgrown city.

Thankfully none of my moles show any sign of cancer, and I'm very conscious of wearing sunscreen. I wish I could tan, I'm so jealous of people who can tan, alas I am just a soul-less ginger gathering souls as quickly as they turn to freckles. Thanks, South Park.

I find myself rambling just as badly as when I wrote this entry back in 2009, so I'm going to wrap it up and lay down for the night.

Hope you guys were able to survive Monday.
Until next time, get some rest.

-JG

2009

Today's reflection is from the same journal as the one from yesterday. It's a lot longer and a very sporadic compared to my other entries thus far.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Tuesday, glorious Tuesday! Lindsey* woke me up this morning. We stopped at County Market and I finally cashed in my paycheck. We went to Micky D's for breakfast, I paid for her of course, then we stopped at SPASH so I could work on my purse and of course, Mrs. Case* was busy doing something else. I'd been fine waiting and working longer but Lindsey* was with me and I wanted to get going on my other stuff, like laundry and feeding the ducks moldy bread. 

We went to the library and I got a new book, then we went to Radio Chaos and I spent $30 on NIN CDs. I got The Downward Spiral which I've been wanting for a very long time and also Ghosts I-IV which is all instrumental. 

I just got home from a bike ride to the cemetery. Yay for me for being active! Now I just need to eat something small... 

I'm watching Tomb Raider, my favorite movie. I might be Linsey's* DD tonight. I sorta hope she finds someone else just because I don't want to be out all night but eh, I suppose if she really needs me... 

Well, guess who just got ANOTHER scholarship! Granted it seems like it's the one that I got from FCE but I got 2 letters and it says that it's worth $250 and my FCE one is worth $100... So I hope it's a new one and since I have 2 letters it's both $250 each. Too bad my mom never bothered giving me that letter, I found it by the back door... Whatever.

I think I'm going to crochet myself a hat because I'm bored and I want to make something. 

So apparently you can bartend and serve alcohol at 18 but you can't be in or sit at a bar until you're 21 - fucking lame! So now I just have to wait for Lindsey* to call when she's ready to quit for the night. I did finish the hat I started today, it's huge so I think I screwed up but it looks like the hats that are in indie fashion... 

I need to stop fantasizing about Roger*, really I do! It's bad for one's health! Really the guy is... who am I kidding, do I really even HAVE a type? He's nothing like the other guys I use to like, he's narcissistic, and has a HUGE freaking ego, can't possibly stand me and is far too skinny for his own damn good. Plus he has rat-like qualities and features. AND let us not forget who is the older sister is. Yes, Makenzie the bitch, can't fucking STAND her! In fact, the only person I can stand in that family is the youngest one because she's so sweet. Why oh why OH WHY DO I KEEP THINKING ABOUT HIM!? Why do I keep playing these stupid fucking scenarios in the back of my mind over and over again? UGH! Kissing him was such a mistake, even though it WAS scripted. Ug,h I can only wish he's this crazy as I am, but I know he's not because he as the wonderfully badass Vanessa* to occupy his mind...God, I need to find myself a playmate. 

*Names have been changed


Jesus, I forgot how hung up I was on this "Roger" kid. It really makes me laugh now, glad I got over him quickly. To think this was all happening when I was just 18 years old puts things into perspective as far as emotional growth and development. I really was an angsty teenager.

Nine Inch Nails (NIN) is still one of my favorite bands and Ghosts I-IV is one of my favorite albums to listen to when I can't sleep or when I want some quiet music in the background.

My writing style within this post and in future posts is a bit all over the place, almost like I have ADD and can't seem to focus on what I'm writing. It's very much a play-by-play on my daily life. The deep thinking with more serious inner reflections doesn't come into practice until much later, and I guess that makes sense because usually as we grow we become more emotionally mature in nature.

Well that's all I have for today, my lunch hour is in its final minute.

Hope you are having a great Saturday. Get out and do something nice for someone else.

Until next time, smile.

-J

Happy June

Do you ever get that feeling in your stomach as you're trying to eat that nothing you're eating tastes good and it's just causing your stomach to feel really bad? Like you have a bad stomach ache or acid reflux and you can barely gag down your food. That is what I'm feeling like currently on my lunch break, usually when I get this feeling it is because something is triggering my anxiety which makes sense. It's the first of the month and bills are due, so money is a big stressor for me right now; also I can't help but feel that something terrible is going to happen...so, you know, that's great. Chances are though that I am just tired and need a day off, which will come Sunday. Not soon enough in my opinion.

One thing that I know for sure that I will need no matter what job I take next is that I will need someday off on a consistent base. Preferably on the weekend...in fact, I would LOVE to have weekends off, and to work a normal set schedule.

For today's reflection, we are going back to 2009

Monday, June 1st, 2009

Still feel like shit but now I feel like shit on drugs, G'damn. I woke up at 9am and went to school so I could work on my purse. I'd love to finish it tomorrow but I won't hold my breath. I'm so glad that I'm only working a 4-hour shift today, I hope I get another Red Card today. I really want to feel better NOW! I hate being sick! God, I can't wait until tomorrow, walking downtown, not having to work. Niceness. 

So my $20 in Red Card stuff was spent wisely. I got air fresheners, nail strengthener, cough and throat drop, "gourmet" cat food for Jack, and milk and eggs. Man, I'm so happy that I have the day off tomorrow! I'm almost tempted to do my laundry now, maybe I'll do a load when I'm done with my bath. 

There was a guest who came through my line wearing an awesome Boondock Saints T-shirt, it just SCREAMED Roger* I should have asked where he got it because something tells me that I would have gotten it for him, anonymously though. I don't know why but I've been thinking about him a lot which is super unnerving because I don't really like the guy that much. Weird. 

Saw Cera* today, she looks so good! She lost a lot of weight. Now I know if she can do it, I can do it! She said she ate 5 small meals a day and did a lot of exercises. Okay, I'll do that. Goddess PLEASE help me with whatever it takes to lose this weight!

*Names have been changed


Well as I've mentioned in previous posts, weight loss has been an issue I've had for well over a decade. Although "Cera" was right, 5 small meals a day and lots of exercises usually do the trick. I'm counting my calories using the MyFitnessPal app and trying to hit the gym at least 4 days a week. Today will be day 4 if I can make it, provided my stomach doesn't betray me.

I use to work at Target for about 6 years, which explains the whole "Red Card" B.S. Loved working there throughout high school and college but honestly couldn't stand the whole conversion on how many red cards you got and having to sign people up for that shit. One thing I know for sure, retail is not the industry for me. It's a best, an okay filler while I figure out what my next step is. I'm amused by my thoughts of "Roger", the same guy I mentioned in my Virginia Woolf blog. Glad nothing came from that.

Well time to get back to work.
Until next time, do something that makes you smile
-J

Time Travel

Today was a rough day at work. I am growing so incredibly frustrated by the amount of work that I need to do for such shit pay. I need to be proactive and look for another job, but the kicker is that after work I got to the gym and by the time I get home, shower, eat and sit down I am so exhausted that the last thing I want to do is sit in front of my laptop and look for jobs. ...but hey, at least I made it to the gym right?

So in keeping with the trend this week of writing a reflection blog every day I found a post from 2011 right before I traveled to London for a summer course in theater study.

May 31, 2011

One month later... 
I leave for London this Saturday. I'm excited to GTFO of Wisconsin and this God damn country! Trent* and I are somewhat in a tiff. I don't know why but he pretty much pissed me off last night after we got done fishing. (BTW, caught a crappie! or w/e) I wanted to go to T-Bell and he kept giving me shit and was fighting it - if he was trying to be cute it was lost on me because it was just annoying. What should have been just an annoyance somehow got blown out of proportion and context and now it's like this HUGE thing. UGH! I'm so over this bs! I hate being an emotional cunt. And I knew that I would do something stupid like this. Becoming an emotionally dysfunctional drama queen who is pushing people away so that I don't get hurt. Which ALWAYS backfires because right now I'm so emotionally raw and hurt that this has got to mean that I'm in love...right? -sigh- I just hope that I didn't fuck things up too much. I hope Trent still loves me and doesn't want to break up. I don't want to break up or see other people. I just need space so I can get my shit together. I'm hoping that being away in London will help me. 

*Name has been changed


-Deep breath- Okay...where do I even begin with this post?

First of all, I was 20 and dating Trent* was like the second major relationship that I was in, and the first when I was in college. It's cringy re-reading this post, let alone having to type it up. I can see now that I was being emotionally manipulated and even though I know there was a lot going on at the time, I had a LOT of growing up to do. I'm thankful for the experience but even more thankful for the fact that I am a stronger woman now and can spot the emotional bullshit a lot sooner.

I would love to travel out of town, state, country. London was such a great experience, I really want to get back out there someday soon.

Looking back at the relationship with Trent, once we broke up, (which happened around the Oscars of 2012) my friends who had met him, as well as my mom said that they didn't like him much. He was a bit awkward and couldn't appreciate my intelligence. You're going to start seeing a theme here once we get rolling on all the boy drama that I have suffered through.

I've been single longer in life than I have been in a relationship... and that is putting all the time I've spent in relationships together. Right now I am so focused on getting out of this shit hole that has become my life than trying to be in a relationship, a healthy relationship with someone is so far beyond my scope.

So let's see what tomorrow brings, and where I'll be at in three months. Things can only get better...right?

Until next time, do something for someone else.
-J

The Protagonist

At some point, I believe we have all had to sit down and take the 'Myers-Briggs Personality Test'. I remember taking it my junior or senior year of college in one of my business classes. I can't remember what I scored, only that I fluctuated between E/I. Since I've been so listless and mopey lately I decided to re-take the test to see what I was and hopefully gain some insight and inspiration about what I should be doing with my life.

I took the exam through here: https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test it was the first site that popped up after I Googled 'Myers-Briggs'. The test itself is pretty straightforward and easy to take, it will give you your break-down and go over in great detail what it means. One issue of point though is that at the end it does try to get you to sign up for their "Academy" so there is that. I'm sure there are other online options to take this test if you have a favorite testing site let me know down in the comments below.

My results are ENFJ-T: The Protagonist
58% Extraverted
59% Intuitive
75% Feeling
56% Judging
81% Turbulent

As I was reading through the descriptors of the Protagonist I couldn't believe how freaking accurate it was. It was like my horoscope on steroids! It was comforting to read yet mildly scary because it confirmed a lot of what I had been worried about; yes I am a people pleaser, yes I am sensitive to criticism and even will seek it out in hopes to avoid confrontation, and yes above everything I want everyone to get along because I hate confrontation so much.

On the flip side of the coin the test helped remind me that I am a natural born leader, I'm charismatic and full of passion. I take pride and joy in helping others and will become resentful if people don't want my help or do the opposite of what I suggest.

Some notable Protagonists include Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, John Cusack, and Ben Affleck. The fact that Oprah and I not only share the same birthday but also the same personality type just means that I really need to take a page from her book because she is phenomenal.

So what does this mean for me career-wise? Well, I know that I will be happiest in a setting where I'm helping other people. However, I need to avoid careers that require intense situational awareness like law enforcement, military, and emergency response. (I'm also going to throw Funeral Directing in this as well) because guess what, these careers will cause burnout! (go fucking figure).

It mentioned that the true calling of a Protagonist will be managing and leading others, and I believe that to be true but in a setting that I can work my way up to that. My confidence is not where it needs to be right now to jump right into a management position.

"At the heart of it, Protagonists need to see how the story ends, to feel and experience the gratitude and appreciation of the people they've helped in order to be happy" - an excerpt taken from the exam results.

I very much agree with that statement which is why I stayed in funeral service for as long as I did.

What is your personality type? Were you surprised by the results at all? Let me know down in the comments below!

Until next time, take care of yourself.
-J

While I Have Breath, I Hope

I know yesterday's post was a bit dismal and down in the dumps. Sometimes we just need to embrace our inner Eeyore. When I woke up this morning I was still in the dark mental shadow that has been hovering over my head, as I was getting ready for work a thought occurred to me: the reason why I still wake up every day and continue to push through the mental Olympics in my mind is because I believe that tomorrow is a new day and while I have breath in my lungs, I hope that things will always get better. It's probably fitting that I have this tattooed on my back, "While I Have Breath, I Hope". 

I remember when I first heard that phrase, it was from one of my Sorority Sisters. Dum spiro spero, it was her family motto in Latin and I was just so blown away by it that I decided to get the English translation tattooed on my back and I'm so glad that I did. The more I look into my past and read through the darkness I've traveled through, I realize that the light that has been lighting my way has been the eternal flame of hope burning inside of me. Guess you could say I'm a glass is half full kind of girl, and I'm fucking thankful for that mindset. 

One of the few perks of working in a bookstore means that I have access to literally thousands of books. Since my self-revelation yesterday about my depression and lack of self-love I looked up to see what books I could get my hands on that deal with self-love and to work through emotional eating; I found two and they are on their way and I'm hoping I can learn something new that will help me break out of this cycle of hating myself. I will keep you guys posted on how that journey pans out. 

Enough with the blathering, let's get down to today's journal reflection. 


Saturday, May 30, 2009

Virginia Woolf was very successful! We had over 100 people show! The after party was pretty fun too, I got so shit faced! (And it took a LOT more than a fucking HARD MIKES!) Waking up in the morning was a bitch, I felt SO SICK! Going to work was okay but today I felt like fucking DEATH! (And I still do) My sinuses drained so that I got a sore throat and the creeping crud. OH! And guess who got her period today? Yeah, the fucking cherry on top of the cake!

Anyway, I'm getting ready to go to Bruce's* graduation. Man, there are a lot of people I know graduating from Pachilli. Yay class of 2009! Oh man...I hate being sick, I really do. I think one of my goals this summer will be to lose some weight, I just need to find the motivation to be active. I think I'd like to try to ride my bike to work some days. 

*Names have been changed


I can hardly believe that it has been 9 years since I graduated from high school. JFC, next year will be 10...I can't handle that. So a little bit about me when I was in high school, I was the theater kid. I didn't belong to any particular clique or group, I hovered around and was more or less the weird kid. I would crochet in class and rip the heads off of Barbies and place them on top of my pens. Kids knew about me, but if they didn't do theater or music chances are they didn't really know me. I had some close friends who I'm Facebook friends with today. (If you're reading this, Hey! Hope you're doing well and living your best life!) 

I didn't party a lot when I was in high school, (promise mom) but clearly, I had a pretty good time at the after party. To be honest, though, I've never been a big drinker, even during college. I learned pretty quick that I hated being sick from drinking too much so I learned to respect my limits and also it's just so expensive I'd rather use my money for something else. 

Still working on losing weight and getting healthy, although I don't have a bike anymore. I joined Xperience Fitness back in February and so far I really love it. They have a lot of different classes and I go enough that the staff knows my name which is really great. Also, they have this new type of class called Q which is High-Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) and I have been doing that for a month or so and I love it. It's a great mixture of cardio, strength and resistance training. I'm realizing that when it comes to working out I do better in a group and with someone telling me what to do. The scale still hovers at 290 but I feel like I'm losing some inches, I will have to measure myself soon to really find out. I found some old journal entries talking about wanting to lose weight and I had written that I was 243, JFC I would give ANYTHING to be as fat as when I first thought I was fat! That was such a HUGE eye opener! Finding motivation is still a struggle sometimes but I know that the more I go to the gym and work out, the better I will feel mentally and physically. 

Every day is a new day, and some days are harder than others, but while I have breath I hope. 

Until next time guys, smile.
J

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Today was my off day from work, thank god. Something about working retail over Memorial Day weekend is just enough to make someone go mad, both mentally and emotionally. The anger has been seething the last week or so, and it has been hard to look to the silver lining. Going through my old journals and dating them with Post-It Notes have been...eye-opening.

I've noticed a theme of major depression, anger and anxiety as well as a lot of notes of me being exhausted and forgetful (like forgetting to write in my journal and being upset that I had missed a day or two). I've also noticed a running theme of me trying to lose weight and having body image issues extensively with a lot of self-hatred. I got to say that I'm pretty sad to look back at all the years of entries and see such a recurring theme. I wish I could say that I was in a better place in my life but fuck it all, I'm still struggling to love myself, still severely overweight, and I'm still battling depression, anxiety, and anger. You thought being a teenager was tough? Try living through your twenties.

I wish I could tell you kind reader that I'm doing better, I wish I could say that I've figured it all out and that I'm inspired and hopeful and loving life. I truly wish I could tell you these things were true about my life and disposition. But I can't, I just can't. I can show gratitude for having a job and a roof over my head, and my absolutely lovely and stunning mother who has helped take care of me. I can say with as much hope I can muster that I know tomorrow will be a new day, but that still will not cure me of my resentment, anger, and anxiety over where I am in life and what my future holds.

I'm thankful that I have such a long-running document of my past and that I've written as much as I have. I feel like it's going to prove to be a useful tool in showcasing mental health. I may not have voices in my head or see things, but it's evident that there is something deeply wrong with my emotional well being. I've known this for years, this comes as no surprise. Acknowledging it and working through it has been an uphill battle.

I mean...my Xanga username is xXxBrokenEmoHeartxXx for fuck sakes! Jesus...

Anywho, sorry for the bummer intro into today's journal reflection, but that's life, isn't it?



From May, 29, 2012

First day of Bio 100. So tired, ready to be done. Sitting next to some dumbass blonde chick in lab, I really want to switch spots. That or I would fucking love it if she would just SHUT THE FUCK UP! God Damnit. 

I remember taking summer biology class my Junior year at UWSP. Don't remember the super annoying chick who apparently was sitting by me but that is probably for the best. I remember at the end of the summer class we got to take home some Beta fish, I took home an awesome blue one and named it Nemo. I had Nemo for YEARS until he died in an untimely tank cleaning accident. (The water was too warm, and thus he died and I gave him a fishy funeral around the porcelain thrown). #RIPNemo

That's all I got for today, time to find some joy in life.
Until next time,
J

Angst-filled Teenage Poetry

Monday, May 28, 2018

Happy Memorial Day everyone!

I've had to work the entire weekend and feel such a deep resentment for retail that I'm pulling my hair out and gnashing my teeth because I want to die! That being said, I've looked through all the journals that I've had and I literally did not write jack-shit in May for whatever reason through all the years that I've been journaling. Thankfully I am rectifying that in my current journal, but that is neither here nor there. So to make up for the fact that I have no past entries to reflect on, and I have a burning hatred for corporate America within my heart, why not reflect on some angsty dark poetry I wrote when I was 14. Hell yeah! Let's add fuel to this mother fucking fire and burn everything down! Angst Angst Angst!

From February 26, 2005
Untitled Poem

Hello old friend
It's been too long
Do you still remember me? 
All the secrets we've shared.
All the lessons we've learned
Please tell me you remember.
Never have I forgotten
And never will I.
Do you still think about me?
Do you? 
About all the times
About all the memories
How time seems to take us
In an unwanted direction
Seeping through our aged fingers like grains of sand
But oh how that sand stings our soul
Yet we do not cry
So goodbye old friend, goodbye
Merry meet
Merry we part
Until we merry meet again.

Well...that's interesting...(Not really). I don't remember much of what was going on in my life; I want to say I was probably in 8th grade which means I was living in Eau Claire. I'd say this is around the time that I started reading the book series "Circle of Three" and started getting into Witchcraft and Paganism; this is evident by the last three lines which are typical verses from a lot of Spell Work. No idea who I was writing about, but safe to say we probably are no longer friends and no longer in each other lives because that was well over a decade ago (Jesus Christ) and I no longer live in Eau Claire. Whoever I did write about though, I hope they are living their best life and doing well.

Let's reflect on another poem.

This simple kind of madness
It drives to the bone. 
My ears bleed crimson
My soul is torn in two
Mine eyes see horror
My lips quiver in pain
This simple kind of madness
That truely drives the weak insane!

This poem isn't dated, but it's right next to the above poem so I'm assuming it was also written on the same day. When I was a young teen I was a Goth kid who loved Hot Topic and thought Spencers Gifts was the absolute shit. I would take the city bus and go to Oakwood Mall wearing Tripp Pants and fishnets, listening to Linkin Park and System of a Down thinking that I was just SO FUCKING COOL...and I was. I did not give a flying fuck about what others thought of me or my style, and part of me misses that fearlessness of my younger self.

I would like to point out that as I'm writing this blog entry on my lunch break at work, I'm listening to my Avenged Sevenfold Pandora station and I feel like I am sucked back into my very angsty teenage life.

Going forward if I'm unable to find a journal entry for the day that I plan to blog I will go back the journal of poetry and music that I wrote and reflect on that shitacular spectacle. One of these days when I have more time I'll do a journal walk-through in where I'll either take photos or videos of what I physically did with my journals because they still look as bad ass as when I first made them.

My hour is about over and so ends this post. I hope if you're reading this you've found some time to relax this Memorial Day weekend and did something enjoyable...like reading this blog! Thanks for being awesome.

Until next time,
J

Senior Year

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

One more day! Just one more day then it’ll be all OVER! I’m trying to psych myself up for the make-out scene with Roger, why am I so fucking nervous and shy about this?! Argh! Mrs. M said the make-out scene yesterday sucked - Goddamnit! I should just take control and do the whole thumb kiss thing! Goddess - please give me the strength I need to do this and do it well!

Man, I could go for some coffee, I think I’ll make some - Hope the creamer is still good.

So the run through today was actually good! Roger’s scene with me on the couch AND dancing went very well, I actually kinda had to kiss him which - let’s face it - wasn’t bad at all. He’s a good kisser, no surprise there though. Dear God I can’t believe that the show is tomorrow! Wow! I feel ready. We’re ready for this…

Sunday, May 27, 2018

The above entry was from my senior year in high school. Since I was a theater kid, a close group of friends and I got together and decided that since seniors in band, orchestra, and choir all do their little showcases, we wanted to do our own theater showcase; so the four of us got together and decided to put on Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? By Edward Albee, I played Martha. It was such a great experience working hard with the three other actors putting this play on, and spoiler alert, we kicked major ass at it. Clearly I was pretty nervous about doing that stage kiss, but it all worked out well. Ironically given my transitional place in life now I’ve been thinking about returning to the theater and have been exploring options in film. For those who may not know, I have a Bachelor of Arts in Theater and another in Arts Management ….and also my Associates in Funeral Service...I’m a conundrum.

Hello

Where do I begin? ‘Hello’, I suppose is always a nice way to start.

So hello reader, you’ve either clicked on a link I posted or somehow stumbled your way onto my blog.
Welcome. Not sure why you’re here other than you must have some voyeuristic tendencies and want to read some slices of life from yours truly, even though chances are 50/50 that we actually know each other in real life. And if you do have the fortune/misfortune of actually knowing me in person, this is going to be hella awkward.

So brief introduction and overview of who I am and what I hope to “accomplish” with this blog. My name is Jourdyn, yes I know it’s fancy and unique. Thanks, mom. If you can spell it correctly after I meet you I’ll love you forever. Literally one of my biggest pet peeves in life is when people can’t spell my name, or nickname correctly. (It’s Jordy, not Jourdy...if you’re going to add the U might as well add the N and stop being a lazy asshat).

I’m a 20-something millennial trying to find my way in the world and find some purpose in life.

The concept of this blog is pretty egotistical, I’m going to be 100% real with you. I’ve written in journals since I was about 10 or 11, and I just recently had a brilliant thought...why don’t I blog about this? I literally thought of this idea about an hour ago as I’m trying to get ready for work.

So what I plan to do with this blog is to look back at some really old journal entries, write them up here for your enjoyment and then reflect on them. This blog is really a journey of my life in reflecting on how far I’ve come (or haven’t come) in life. I really wasn’t lying when I said this was going to be 100% about me, and my self-absorbed ass...guess that fits with how older generations view my generation...damn, I hate feeding into stereotypes; but sometimes you need to look back to see how far you’ve come.

This blog is going to be raw, it’s going to be real, and it’s going to be messy. Did I mention that it is also probably going to be awkward? Oh yes, hella awkward because I am mildly awkward myself and if you know me personally then I’m sorry and will apologize in advance because chances are REAL good that I’ve written about you. ...Another reason why you’re probably reading this because you’re just as self-absorbed as me...High-five.

The only thing I plan on changing is the names of the people I’ve written about just to protect them as being an “innocent bystander” who has been written into my life unknowingly.

Starting out I plan to go as far back as I can with my journal entries, but as I was rushing through them I realized that I was not consistent at ALL in keeping up with writing every day...something that has literally followed me my entire life, and that I’m really trying to work on.

I can’t promise nor guarantee that I’ll be able to write this blog every single day. I write in my personal journal every day because that’s my personal goal and that is for my own sanity. I’m using this blog more so for entertainment value and to see if anything will come from it. (I'm looking at you Hollywood. Call me.) But I will do the best that I can to at least update this a few times a week.

That being said, I do appreciate your feedback. Good or bad (as long as the bad is constructive) bring it on. I’m a sensitive soul though so be kind. Rewind.

Disclaimer: This should go without saying, but I feel the need to write this anyways. This blog will contain adult language and mature subject matter. So if the word FUCK bothers you...best move on. But if you're a human and understand that humans are a weird, awkward, sometimes smelly species and you're morbidly curious as to what happens in day to day life of another random human on this planet, well then welcome! Your welcome packet is in the mail.