Time Travel

Today was a rough day at work. I am growing so incredibly frustrated by the amount of work that I need to do for such shit pay. I need to be proactive and look for another job, but the kicker is that after work I got to the gym and by the time I get home, shower, eat and sit down I am so exhausted that the last thing I want to do is sit in front of my laptop and look for jobs. ...but hey, at least I made it to the gym right?

So in keeping with the trend this week of writing a reflection blog every day I found a post from 2011 right before I traveled to London for a summer course in theater study.

May 31, 2011

One month later... 
I leave for London this Saturday. I'm excited to GTFO of Wisconsin and this God damn country! Trent* and I are somewhat in a tiff. I don't know why but he pretty much pissed me off last night after we got done fishing. (BTW, caught a crappie! or w/e) I wanted to go to T-Bell and he kept giving me shit and was fighting it - if he was trying to be cute it was lost on me because it was just annoying. What should have been just an annoyance somehow got blown out of proportion and context and now it's like this HUGE thing. UGH! I'm so over this bs! I hate being an emotional cunt. And I knew that I would do something stupid like this. Becoming an emotionally dysfunctional drama queen who is pushing people away so that I don't get hurt. Which ALWAYS backfires because right now I'm so emotionally raw and hurt that this has got to mean that I'm in love...right? -sigh- I just hope that I didn't fuck things up too much. I hope Trent still loves me and doesn't want to break up. I don't want to break up or see other people. I just need space so I can get my shit together. I'm hoping that being away in London will help me. 

*Name has been changed


-Deep breath- Okay...where do I even begin with this post?

First of all, I was 20 and dating Trent* was like the second major relationship that I was in, and the first when I was in college. It's cringy re-reading this post, let alone having to type it up. I can see now that I was being emotionally manipulated and even though I know there was a lot going on at the time, I had a LOT of growing up to do. I'm thankful for the experience but even more thankful for the fact that I am a stronger woman now and can spot the emotional bullshit a lot sooner.

I would love to travel out of town, state, country. London was such a great experience, I really want to get back out there someday soon.

Looking back at the relationship with Trent, once we broke up, (which happened around the Oscars of 2012) my friends who had met him, as well as my mom said that they didn't like him much. He was a bit awkward and couldn't appreciate my intelligence. You're going to start seeing a theme here once we get rolling on all the boy drama that I have suffered through.

I've been single longer in life than I have been in a relationship... and that is putting all the time I've spent in relationships together. Right now I am so focused on getting out of this shit hole that has become my life than trying to be in a relationship, a healthy relationship with someone is so far beyond my scope.

So let's see what tomorrow brings, and where I'll be at in three months. Things can only get better...right?

Until next time, do something for someone else.
-J

The Protagonist

At some point, I believe we have all had to sit down and take the 'Myers-Briggs Personality Test'. I remember taking it my junior or senior year of college in one of my business classes. I can't remember what I scored, only that I fluctuated between E/I. Since I've been so listless and mopey lately I decided to re-take the test to see what I was and hopefully gain some insight and inspiration about what I should be doing with my life.

I took the exam through here: https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test it was the first site that popped up after I Googled 'Myers-Briggs'. The test itself is pretty straightforward and easy to take, it will give you your break-down and go over in great detail what it means. One issue of point though is that at the end it does try to get you to sign up for their "Academy" so there is that. I'm sure there are other online options to take this test if you have a favorite testing site let me know down in the comments below.

My results are ENFJ-T: The Protagonist
58% Extraverted
59% Intuitive
75% Feeling
56% Judging
81% Turbulent

As I was reading through the descriptors of the Protagonist I couldn't believe how freaking accurate it was. It was like my horoscope on steroids! It was comforting to read yet mildly scary because it confirmed a lot of what I had been worried about; yes I am a people pleaser, yes I am sensitive to criticism and even will seek it out in hopes to avoid confrontation, and yes above everything I want everyone to get along because I hate confrontation so much.

On the flip side of the coin the test helped remind me that I am a natural born leader, I'm charismatic and full of passion. I take pride and joy in helping others and will become resentful if people don't want my help or do the opposite of what I suggest.

Some notable Protagonists include Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, John Cusack, and Ben Affleck. The fact that Oprah and I not only share the same birthday but also the same personality type just means that I really need to take a page from her book because she is phenomenal.

So what does this mean for me career-wise? Well, I know that I will be happiest in a setting where I'm helping other people. However, I need to avoid careers that require intense situational awareness like law enforcement, military, and emergency response. (I'm also going to throw Funeral Directing in this as well) because guess what, these careers will cause burnout! (go fucking figure).

It mentioned that the true calling of a Protagonist will be managing and leading others, and I believe that to be true but in a setting that I can work my way up to that. My confidence is not where it needs to be right now to jump right into a management position.

"At the heart of it, Protagonists need to see how the story ends, to feel and experience the gratitude and appreciation of the people they've helped in order to be happy" - an excerpt taken from the exam results.

I very much agree with that statement which is why I stayed in funeral service for as long as I did.

What is your personality type? Were you surprised by the results at all? Let me know down in the comments below!

Until next time, take care of yourself.
-J

While I Have Breath, I Hope

I know yesterday's post was a bit dismal and down in the dumps. Sometimes we just need to embrace our inner Eeyore. When I woke up this morning I was still in the dark mental shadow that has been hovering over my head, as I was getting ready for work a thought occurred to me: the reason why I still wake up every day and continue to push through the mental Olympics in my mind is because I believe that tomorrow is a new day and while I have breath in my lungs, I hope that things will always get better. It's probably fitting that I have this tattooed on my back, "While I Have Breath, I Hope". 

I remember when I first heard that phrase, it was from one of my Sorority Sisters. Dum spiro spero, it was her family motto in Latin and I was just so blown away by it that I decided to get the English translation tattooed on my back and I'm so glad that I did. The more I look into my past and read through the darkness I've traveled through, I realize that the light that has been lighting my way has been the eternal flame of hope burning inside of me. Guess you could say I'm a glass is half full kind of girl, and I'm fucking thankful for that mindset. 

One of the few perks of working in a bookstore means that I have access to literally thousands of books. Since my self-revelation yesterday about my depression and lack of self-love I looked up to see what books I could get my hands on that deal with self-love and to work through emotional eating; I found two and they are on their way and I'm hoping I can learn something new that will help me break out of this cycle of hating myself. I will keep you guys posted on how that journey pans out. 

Enough with the blathering, let's get down to today's journal reflection. 


Saturday, May 30, 2009

Virginia Woolf was very successful! We had over 100 people show! The after party was pretty fun too, I got so shit faced! (And it took a LOT more than a fucking HARD MIKES!) Waking up in the morning was a bitch, I felt SO SICK! Going to work was okay but today I felt like fucking DEATH! (And I still do) My sinuses drained so that I got a sore throat and the creeping crud. OH! And guess who got her period today? Yeah, the fucking cherry on top of the cake!

Anyway, I'm getting ready to go to Bruce's* graduation. Man, there are a lot of people I know graduating from Pachilli. Yay class of 2009! Oh man...I hate being sick, I really do. I think one of my goals this summer will be to lose some weight, I just need to find the motivation to be active. I think I'd like to try to ride my bike to work some days. 

*Names have been changed


I can hardly believe that it has been 9 years since I graduated from high school. JFC, next year will be 10...I can't handle that. So a little bit about me when I was in high school, I was the theater kid. I didn't belong to any particular clique or group, I hovered around and was more or less the weird kid. I would crochet in class and rip the heads off of Barbies and place them on top of my pens. Kids knew about me, but if they didn't do theater or music chances are they didn't really know me. I had some close friends who I'm Facebook friends with today. (If you're reading this, Hey! Hope you're doing well and living your best life!) 

I didn't party a lot when I was in high school, (promise mom) but clearly, I had a pretty good time at the after party. To be honest, though, I've never been a big drinker, even during college. I learned pretty quick that I hated being sick from drinking too much so I learned to respect my limits and also it's just so expensive I'd rather use my money for something else. 

Still working on losing weight and getting healthy, although I don't have a bike anymore. I joined Xperience Fitness back in February and so far I really love it. They have a lot of different classes and I go enough that the staff knows my name which is really great. Also, they have this new type of class called Q which is High-Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) and I have been doing that for a month or so and I love it. It's a great mixture of cardio, strength and resistance training. I'm realizing that when it comes to working out I do better in a group and with someone telling me what to do. The scale still hovers at 290 but I feel like I'm losing some inches, I will have to measure myself soon to really find out. I found some old journal entries talking about wanting to lose weight and I had written that I was 243, JFC I would give ANYTHING to be as fat as when I first thought I was fat! That was such a HUGE eye opener! Finding motivation is still a struggle sometimes but I know that the more I go to the gym and work out, the better I will feel mentally and physically. 

Every day is a new day, and some days are harder than others, but while I have breath I hope. 

Until next time guys, smile.
J

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Today was my off day from work, thank god. Something about working retail over Memorial Day weekend is just enough to make someone go mad, both mentally and emotionally. The anger has been seething the last week or so, and it has been hard to look to the silver lining. Going through my old journals and dating them with Post-It Notes have been...eye-opening.

I've noticed a theme of major depression, anger and anxiety as well as a lot of notes of me being exhausted and forgetful (like forgetting to write in my journal and being upset that I had missed a day or two). I've also noticed a running theme of me trying to lose weight and having body image issues extensively with a lot of self-hatred. I got to say that I'm pretty sad to look back at all the years of entries and see such a recurring theme. I wish I could say that I was in a better place in my life but fuck it all, I'm still struggling to love myself, still severely overweight, and I'm still battling depression, anxiety, and anger. You thought being a teenager was tough? Try living through your twenties.

I wish I could tell you kind reader that I'm doing better, I wish I could say that I've figured it all out and that I'm inspired and hopeful and loving life. I truly wish I could tell you these things were true about my life and disposition. But I can't, I just can't. I can show gratitude for having a job and a roof over my head, and my absolutely lovely and stunning mother who has helped take care of me. I can say with as much hope I can muster that I know tomorrow will be a new day, but that still will not cure me of my resentment, anger, and anxiety over where I am in life and what my future holds.

I'm thankful that I have such a long-running document of my past and that I've written as much as I have. I feel like it's going to prove to be a useful tool in showcasing mental health. I may not have voices in my head or see things, but it's evident that there is something deeply wrong with my emotional well being. I've known this for years, this comes as no surprise. Acknowledging it and working through it has been an uphill battle.

I mean...my Xanga username is xXxBrokenEmoHeartxXx for fuck sakes! Jesus...

Anywho, sorry for the bummer intro into today's journal reflection, but that's life, isn't it?



From May, 29, 2012

First day of Bio 100. So tired, ready to be done. Sitting next to some dumbass blonde chick in lab, I really want to switch spots. That or I would fucking love it if she would just SHUT THE FUCK UP! God Damnit. 

I remember taking summer biology class my Junior year at UWSP. Don't remember the super annoying chick who apparently was sitting by me but that is probably for the best. I remember at the end of the summer class we got to take home some Beta fish, I took home an awesome blue one and named it Nemo. I had Nemo for YEARS until he died in an untimely tank cleaning accident. (The water was too warm, and thus he died and I gave him a fishy funeral around the porcelain thrown). #RIPNemo

That's all I got for today, time to find some joy in life.
Until next time,
J

Angst-filled Teenage Poetry

Monday, May 28, 2018

Happy Memorial Day everyone!

I've had to work the entire weekend and feel such a deep resentment for retail that I'm pulling my hair out and gnashing my teeth because I want to die! That being said, I've looked through all the journals that I've had and I literally did not write jack-shit in May for whatever reason through all the years that I've been journaling. Thankfully I am rectifying that in my current journal, but that is neither here nor there. So to make up for the fact that I have no past entries to reflect on, and I have a burning hatred for corporate America within my heart, why not reflect on some angsty dark poetry I wrote when I was 14. Hell yeah! Let's add fuel to this mother fucking fire and burn everything down! Angst Angst Angst!

From February 26, 2005
Untitled Poem

Hello old friend
It's been too long
Do you still remember me? 
All the secrets we've shared.
All the lessons we've learned
Please tell me you remember.
Never have I forgotten
And never will I.
Do you still think about me?
Do you? 
About all the times
About all the memories
How time seems to take us
In an unwanted direction
Seeping through our aged fingers like grains of sand
But oh how that sand stings our soul
Yet we do not cry
So goodbye old friend, goodbye
Merry meet
Merry we part
Until we merry meet again.

Well...that's interesting...(Not really). I don't remember much of what was going on in my life; I want to say I was probably in 8th grade which means I was living in Eau Claire. I'd say this is around the time that I started reading the book series "Circle of Three" and started getting into Witchcraft and Paganism; this is evident by the last three lines which are typical verses from a lot of Spell Work. No idea who I was writing about, but safe to say we probably are no longer friends and no longer in each other lives because that was well over a decade ago (Jesus Christ) and I no longer live in Eau Claire. Whoever I did write about though, I hope they are living their best life and doing well.

Let's reflect on another poem.

This simple kind of madness
It drives to the bone. 
My ears bleed crimson
My soul is torn in two
Mine eyes see horror
My lips quiver in pain
This simple kind of madness
That truely drives the weak insane!

This poem isn't dated, but it's right next to the above poem so I'm assuming it was also written on the same day. When I was a young teen I was a Goth kid who loved Hot Topic and thought Spencers Gifts was the absolute shit. I would take the city bus and go to Oakwood Mall wearing Tripp Pants and fishnets, listening to Linkin Park and System of a Down thinking that I was just SO FUCKING COOL...and I was. I did not give a flying fuck about what others thought of me or my style, and part of me misses that fearlessness of my younger self.

I would like to point out that as I'm writing this blog entry on my lunch break at work, I'm listening to my Avenged Sevenfold Pandora station and I feel like I am sucked back into my very angsty teenage life.

Going forward if I'm unable to find a journal entry for the day that I plan to blog I will go back the journal of poetry and music that I wrote and reflect on that shitacular spectacle. One of these days when I have more time I'll do a journal walk-through in where I'll either take photos or videos of what I physically did with my journals because they still look as bad ass as when I first made them.

My hour is about over and so ends this post. I hope if you're reading this you've found some time to relax this Memorial Day weekend and did something enjoyable...like reading this blog! Thanks for being awesome.

Until next time,
J

Senior Year

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

One more day! Just one more day then it’ll be all OVER! I’m trying to psych myself up for the make-out scene with Roger, why am I so fucking nervous and shy about this?! Argh! Mrs. M said the make-out scene yesterday sucked - Goddamnit! I should just take control and do the whole thumb kiss thing! Goddess - please give me the strength I need to do this and do it well!

Man, I could go for some coffee, I think I’ll make some - Hope the creamer is still good.

So the run through today was actually good! Roger’s scene with me on the couch AND dancing went very well, I actually kinda had to kiss him which - let’s face it - wasn’t bad at all. He’s a good kisser, no surprise there though. Dear God I can’t believe that the show is tomorrow! Wow! I feel ready. We’re ready for this…

Sunday, May 27, 2018

The above entry was from my senior year in high school. Since I was a theater kid, a close group of friends and I got together and decided that since seniors in band, orchestra, and choir all do their little showcases, we wanted to do our own theater showcase; so the four of us got together and decided to put on Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? By Edward Albee, I played Martha. It was such a great experience working hard with the three other actors putting this play on, and spoiler alert, we kicked major ass at it. Clearly I was pretty nervous about doing that stage kiss, but it all worked out well. Ironically given my transitional place in life now I’ve been thinking about returning to the theater and have been exploring options in film. For those who may not know, I have a Bachelor of Arts in Theater and another in Arts Management ….and also my Associates in Funeral Service...I’m a conundrum.

Hello

Where do I begin? ‘Hello’, I suppose is always a nice way to start.

So hello reader, you’ve either clicked on a link I posted or somehow stumbled your way onto my blog.
Welcome. Not sure why you’re here other than you must have some voyeuristic tendencies and want to read some slices of life from yours truly, even though chances are 50/50 that we actually know each other in real life. And if you do have the fortune/misfortune of actually knowing me in person, this is going to be hella awkward.

So brief introduction and overview of who I am and what I hope to “accomplish” with this blog. My name is Jourdyn, yes I know it’s fancy and unique. Thanks, mom. If you can spell it correctly after I meet you I’ll love you forever. Literally one of my biggest pet peeves in life is when people can’t spell my name, or nickname correctly. (It’s Jordy, not Jourdy...if you’re going to add the U might as well add the N and stop being a lazy asshat).

I’m a 20-something millennial trying to find my way in the world and find some purpose in life.

The concept of this blog is pretty egotistical, I’m going to be 100% real with you. I’ve written in journals since I was about 10 or 11, and I just recently had a brilliant thought...why don’t I blog about this? I literally thought of this idea about an hour ago as I’m trying to get ready for work.

So what I plan to do with this blog is to look back at some really old journal entries, write them up here for your enjoyment and then reflect on them. This blog is really a journey of my life in reflecting on how far I’ve come (or haven’t come) in life. I really wasn’t lying when I said this was going to be 100% about me, and my self-absorbed ass...guess that fits with how older generations view my generation...damn, I hate feeding into stereotypes; but sometimes you need to look back to see how far you’ve come.

This blog is going to be raw, it’s going to be real, and it’s going to be messy. Did I mention that it is also probably going to be awkward? Oh yes, hella awkward because I am mildly awkward myself and if you know me personally then I’m sorry and will apologize in advance because chances are REAL good that I’ve written about you. ...Another reason why you’re probably reading this because you’re just as self-absorbed as me...High-five.

The only thing I plan on changing is the names of the people I’ve written about just to protect them as being an “innocent bystander” who has been written into my life unknowingly.

Starting out I plan to go as far back as I can with my journal entries, but as I was rushing through them I realized that I was not consistent at ALL in keeping up with writing every day...something that has literally followed me my entire life, and that I’m really trying to work on.

I can’t promise nor guarantee that I’ll be able to write this blog every single day. I write in my personal journal every day because that’s my personal goal and that is for my own sanity. I’m using this blog more so for entertainment value and to see if anything will come from it. (I'm looking at you Hollywood. Call me.) But I will do the best that I can to at least update this a few times a week.

That being said, I do appreciate your feedback. Good or bad (as long as the bad is constructive) bring it on. I’m a sensitive soul though so be kind. Rewind.

Disclaimer: This should go without saying, but I feel the need to write this anyways. This blog will contain adult language and mature subject matter. So if the word FUCK bothers you...best move on. But if you're a human and understand that humans are a weird, awkward, sometimes smelly species and you're morbidly curious as to what happens in day to day life of another random human on this planet, well then welcome! Your welcome packet is in the mail.