While I Have Breath, I Hope

I know yesterday's post was a bit dismal and down in the dumps. Sometimes we just need to embrace our inner Eeyore. When I woke up this morning I was still in the dark mental shadow that has been hovering over my head, as I was getting ready for work a thought occurred to me: the reason why I still wake up every day and continue to push through the mental Olympics in my mind is because I believe that tomorrow is a new day and while I have breath in my lungs, I hope that things will always get better. It's probably fitting that I have this tattooed on my back, "While I Have Breath, I Hope". 

I remember when I first heard that phrase, it was from one of my Sorority Sisters. Dum spiro spero, it was her family motto in Latin and I was just so blown away by it that I decided to get the English translation tattooed on my back and I'm so glad that I did. The more I look into my past and read through the darkness I've traveled through, I realize that the light that has been lighting my way has been the eternal flame of hope burning inside of me. Guess you could say I'm a glass is half full kind of girl, and I'm fucking thankful for that mindset. 

One of the few perks of working in a bookstore means that I have access to literally thousands of books. Since my self-revelation yesterday about my depression and lack of self-love I looked up to see what books I could get my hands on that deal with self-love and to work through emotional eating; I found two and they are on their way and I'm hoping I can learn something new that will help me break out of this cycle of hating myself. I will keep you guys posted on how that journey pans out. 

Enough with the blathering, let's get down to today's journal reflection. 


Saturday, May 30, 2009

Virginia Woolf was very successful! We had over 100 people show! The after party was pretty fun too, I got so shit faced! (And it took a LOT more than a fucking HARD MIKES!) Waking up in the morning was a bitch, I felt SO SICK! Going to work was okay but today I felt like fucking DEATH! (And I still do) My sinuses drained so that I got a sore throat and the creeping crud. OH! And guess who got her period today? Yeah, the fucking cherry on top of the cake!

Anyway, I'm getting ready to go to Bruce's* graduation. Man, there are a lot of people I know graduating from Pachilli. Yay class of 2009! Oh man...I hate being sick, I really do. I think one of my goals this summer will be to lose some weight, I just need to find the motivation to be active. I think I'd like to try to ride my bike to work some days. 

*Names have been changed


I can hardly believe that it has been 9 years since I graduated from high school. JFC, next year will be 10...I can't handle that. So a little bit about me when I was in high school, I was the theater kid. I didn't belong to any particular clique or group, I hovered around and was more or less the weird kid. I would crochet in class and rip the heads off of Barbies and place them on top of my pens. Kids knew about me, but if they didn't do theater or music chances are they didn't really know me. I had some close friends who I'm Facebook friends with today. (If you're reading this, Hey! Hope you're doing well and living your best life!) 

I didn't party a lot when I was in high school, (promise mom) but clearly, I had a pretty good time at the after party. To be honest, though, I've never been a big drinker, even during college. I learned pretty quick that I hated being sick from drinking too much so I learned to respect my limits and also it's just so expensive I'd rather use my money for something else. 

Still working on losing weight and getting healthy, although I don't have a bike anymore. I joined Xperience Fitness back in February and so far I really love it. They have a lot of different classes and I go enough that the staff knows my name which is really great. Also, they have this new type of class called Q which is High-Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) and I have been doing that for a month or so and I love it. It's a great mixture of cardio, strength and resistance training. I'm realizing that when it comes to working out I do better in a group and with someone telling me what to do. The scale still hovers at 290 but I feel like I'm losing some inches, I will have to measure myself soon to really find out. I found some old journal entries talking about wanting to lose weight and I had written that I was 243, JFC I would give ANYTHING to be as fat as when I first thought I was fat! That was such a HUGE eye opener! Finding motivation is still a struggle sometimes but I know that the more I go to the gym and work out, the better I will feel mentally and physically. 

Every day is a new day, and some days are harder than others, but while I have breath I hope. 

Until next time guys, smile.
J