Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Today was my off day from work, thank god. Something about working retail over Memorial Day weekend is just enough to make someone go mad, both mentally and emotionally. The anger has been seething the last week or so, and it has been hard to look to the silver lining. Going through my old journals and dating them with Post-It Notes have been...eye-opening.

I've noticed a theme of major depression, anger and anxiety as well as a lot of notes of me being exhausted and forgetful (like forgetting to write in my journal and being upset that I had missed a day or two). I've also noticed a running theme of me trying to lose weight and having body image issues extensively with a lot of self-hatred. I got to say that I'm pretty sad to look back at all the years of entries and see such a recurring theme. I wish I could say that I was in a better place in my life but fuck it all, I'm still struggling to love myself, still severely overweight, and I'm still battling depression, anxiety, and anger. You thought being a teenager was tough? Try living through your twenties.

I wish I could tell you kind reader that I'm doing better, I wish I could say that I've figured it all out and that I'm inspired and hopeful and loving life. I truly wish I could tell you these things were true about my life and disposition. But I can't, I just can't. I can show gratitude for having a job and a roof over my head, and my absolutely lovely and stunning mother who has helped take care of me. I can say with as much hope I can muster that I know tomorrow will be a new day, but that still will not cure me of my resentment, anger, and anxiety over where I am in life and what my future holds.

I'm thankful that I have such a long-running document of my past and that I've written as much as I have. I feel like it's going to prove to be a useful tool in showcasing mental health. I may not have voices in my head or see things, but it's evident that there is something deeply wrong with my emotional well being. I've known this for years, this comes as no surprise. Acknowledging it and working through it has been an uphill battle.

I mean...my Xanga username is xXxBrokenEmoHeartxXx for fuck sakes! Jesus...

Anywho, sorry for the bummer intro into today's journal reflection, but that's life, isn't it?



From May, 29, 2012

First day of Bio 100. So tired, ready to be done. Sitting next to some dumbass blonde chick in lab, I really want to switch spots. That or I would fucking love it if she would just SHUT THE FUCK UP! God Damnit. 

I remember taking summer biology class my Junior year at UWSP. Don't remember the super annoying chick who apparently was sitting by me but that is probably for the best. I remember at the end of the summer class we got to take home some Beta fish, I took home an awesome blue one and named it Nemo. I had Nemo for YEARS until he died in an untimely tank cleaning accident. (The water was too warm, and thus he died and I gave him a fishy funeral around the porcelain thrown). #RIPNemo

That's all I got for today, time to find some joy in life.
Until next time,
J


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